Pam Mae Learns a Lesson

Here's a short story that pedestrians, especially ones who have run-ins with self-absorbed beings who operate vehicles called automobiles, should appreciate.


There was a forty-something woman named Pam Mae. She had huge platinum blond hair (with roots constantly retouched) and a face covered in a few inches of makeup. She wore the latest styles from well-known designers like Michael Kors because they made her feel Important. She usually wore them a size too small because they made her feel skinny (never mind little bulging rolls of fat here and there.) She wore very high heels, barely a millimeter short of stripper shoe wear, because they made her feel very tall and goddess-like. She worked as a realtor and supplemented her income with several MLM gigs because, darn it, she had a high standard of living to maintain. Besides, if there was anything she was darned good at, it was bullshitting people. She drove a big-ass silver Chevrolet Suburban SUV because it made her breasts feel larger.

She had no patience for anyone. She considered herself a thoroughly self-reliant woman. She never left tips because frankly, workers were lucky to have jobs in this economy. If they wanted more money, they should go get high-paying office jobs instead. Besides, she had better things to spend her money on like her nails. She never donated food because she considered it enabling poor people's way of life.

One afternoon Pam Mae had a three o'clock house showing, and as usual, she was running late. The dashboard clock showed 3:01 PM when she got stuck at a red light a mere three blocks away from the house. "Come on, change already," she snapped, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. The clock slowly changed to 3:02 PM, and the traffic light still showed red. The intersection was empty except for her car, and an old black woman on one of the opposite corners, waiting to cross the street. Despite the warm weather, the old woman wore a leopard skin coat with a matching pillbox hat, and she leaned on a cane. The clock inched to 3:03 PM without any changes.

The traffic light must be broken, she thought, I better call the client. Just as she picked her cell phone out of her purse and started dialing, the traffic light changed to green. Finally! She tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and took ahold of the steering wheel, stepping on the gas. She was about to take a left turn when she saw the old lady starting to cross the street, which would block her car's path. Jesus, I don't have time for this, she thought as she jerked the steering wheel to the left.

A sudden snapping sound prompted Pam Mae to stomp on the brake. Her mind took a few seconds to register the scene just outside her car window. A wood cane, broken in two, lay on the street, and the old lady stood a foot or two away, apparently unharmed. Her eyes caught Pam Mae's eyes, and the world froze for a moment. Then, slowly, the old lady rose her arm and pointed a trembling finger at Pam Mae. Another frozen moment. Then Pam Mae shuddered violently as if she had just woken from a terrible nightmare. Flight mechanism kicked in, prompting Pam Mae to stomp on gas, and the car fled away.

Pam Mae managed to find the house despite her current state of mind. It was a split-level house across the street from an elementary school. School had just let out, and children milled around in the front school yard. A police car was parked in the front of the school, and a line of parents' cars inched along, scooping up their charges. She did not see any sign of the client's car near the house yet, thankfully. She took the free moment to collect herself, and then thought, that stupid old bitch, she should have watched where she as going.

Pam Mae had finished refreshing her lipstick when a white Honda Accord pulled up in the house's driveway. Must be the client, she thought and scooped up her purse. She opened her car door and stepped out, projecting the confidence of a successful realtor.

One of the parents' cars, a red Subaru Outback, had stopped directly across the street from Pam Mae's car to pick up a little girl. The driver, a thirty-something woman, gave Pam Mae a strange look, and the little girl, now in the back seat, pointed at Pam Mae, laughing. Then the car pulled away. Strange family, thought Pam Mae.

With the red Outback gone, the school yard was now visible to Pam Mae. Several children there pointed at Pam Mae, some in excited voices and others in laughter. What on Earth was going on? Then she caught a phrase, "No pants!" She realized belatedly that she was feeling a little chilly below her waist, and she looked down.

To her horror, she was completely naked from waist down. No pants, no underwear. All she was wearing was her blouse and high heels. Her bush, which she hadn't gotten around to trimming yet, was in full view of the school yard. She quickly placed her large purse in front of her private parts. What the hell had happened to her slacks? Surely, she had put them on along with underwear this morning, had she? She peeked into the car, hoping to see her pants, but to no avail.

As if it couldn't get any worse, two uniformed cops -- one man and one woman -- had gotten out of their car. The male cop hung back, as the female cop, a young black woman, approached Pam Mae, and said, "Ma'am, please put on some pants."

"I don't know where they are!" wailed Pam Mae. "I don't know where they went. I know I was wearing them them this morning."

The female cop looked curiously at Pam Mae before asking, "Have you checked in your car?"

"I already did." But Pam Mae looked in the car again, nevertheless. Then realization struck her. "Wait, that old black woman from that intersection back there -- she must have stolen my pants."

The cop looked blankly at her.

Pam Mae continued, "I accidentally broke her cane. I guess she got mad and pointed at me. Then my pants were gone!"

In a rare flash of self-awareness, Pam Mae realized she wasn't making any sense, so she shut up.

So, that was how Pam Mae ended up at the police station, to be booked for indecent exposure. She wore a blanket around her waist and legs. Her face were smeared with streaks of mascara and clumps of makeup, making her look like a deconstructed mime.

The moral of the story? Don't be a dick. Karma payback can be a bitch.